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Commandment #1:
Thou shalt not dress in any colors not preceded by the words, "Florescent" "Electric [blue]" or "Hot [pink]". These are the only colors of truth and [eye-blinding] light. If ye sinners dare to wear clothing of any fashion principally displaying brown, gray or [GASP!!!] black... well, that is a one-way ticket straight to hell and damnation as indicated by the words of the Prophet: "Jana Beth -- I jist luuuve that hot pank shirt -- and Mar Sue -- that 'lectric blu luks real gud too. Jen-fur -- you luk like yur goin ta thuh pasture." So sayeth the Nanaw (and boy, does she sayeth).
Commandment #2:
Thou shat not buy paper towels with color on them because only white paper towels are pure and holy. Though ye sinnners believe that paper towels are created for purposes such as cleaning windows and mirrors, only the great HickHousehold Prophet could reveal that the color is a result of dye (which rhymes with LIE!) which actually is GREASE!!!!!!! (dear Lord, no!!! The great Prophet's worst adversary is GREASE!!) And the grease in the dye makes streaks down windows and mirrors that are, of course, one of the household cardinal sins. At the risk of eternal damnation, you must resist the cute temptations of colored and flowery paper towels. So sayeth the Nanaw.
Commandment #3:
Thou shalt not use Pledge furniture polish to polish furniture because Pledge is an evil manipulation by SCJohnson Wax to lie to all of those who religiously clean house -- a devillish attempt to make the innocent, unknowing housecleaners believe that Pledge actually polishes furniture. The Gospel according to Nanaw clearly states that Pledge SCRATCHES furniture and consequently, the proper furniture cleaning mechanism is a damp rag [Note: That whole "water spots on furniture" thing -- it's a lie too]. Therefore, let all of the nations strike down this evil arisol can commonly known as Pledge and glorify the true godly furniture polish: Water. So sayeth the Nanaw.
Commandment #4:
Thou shalt not place anything in the refrigerator without baptizing it thoroughly with the pure and holy Water because if a jug of milk is placed in the frig without being dunked/sprinkled, then the entire frig is corrupted with filth and the second greatest evil behind grease, DIRT! All cokes must be cleansed. All jars must be purified. Everything must be made pure and holy by means of a good clean scrubbin'. So sayeth the Nanaw.
AND ABOVE ALL,
Thou shalt not argue with any of the obsessive compulsive behaviors of the great Prophet because by doing so, you will be bringing about a little thing commonly known as Armageddon.
Even if she decides that the hot water heater is not working and turns the temperature up as high as it will go. THOU SHALT NOT ARGUE when you put the washer on warm water and you can see the steam rising up to the ceiling.
THOU SHALT NOT ARGUE when she views her meal placed before her on the table and promptly proceeds to dispense her food onto everyone else's plates.
THOU SHALT NOT ARGUE when she says, "I want you to move my 7-foot-tall armoire chest from my house in the country" [which, I might add, weighed more than Daddy, Mary Sue and me combined. Boy, that was a fun day.]
For the love of Nanaw, we shalt not argue. And we continue to move and clean and polish and run errands because of that love.
And so, in the name of the Holy Water, the Armoire chest from Hell, and the entire florescent end of the spectrum.... AMEN
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